Understanding irritation in relationships

When a partner's words begin to feel irritating, it can be challenging to determine whether the issue lies in the words themselves or in how they are being interpreted. According to relationship therapist Assael Romanelli, this constant irritation can sometimes be explained by a psychological mechanism that pushes individuals to interpret their partner's words and intentions negatively, even when they are harmless.

Negative sentiment override

Relationship specialists John and Julie Gottman have given this phenomenon a name: negative sentiment override, which refers to a tendency to systematically interpret the other person in a negative way. When a couple goes through a period of tension, partners may end up viewing every interaction through the lens of their frustrations.

Impact on daily interactions

A simple question can be perceived as a disguised reproach, and a remark without ill intent can resemble a criticism. Even an affectionate gesture can raise suspicion. The problem then does not come solely from what the other person says, but also from how their words are received. It is as if previous arguments continue to influence daily conversations, even when no one is trying to provoke a conflict.

Creating a cycle of negativity

In a relationship, this dynamic can create a vicious circle that appears when disappointments and reproaches take more space than moments of tenderness. Over time, anticipating a criticism or an argument, partners become more sensitive to words that could confirm their concerns. They no longer react only to the current conversation, but also to all previous ones.

Breaking the pattern

To regain calmer communication, the therapist suggests first becoming aware of this mechanism. When a remark causes an exaggerated reaction, it may be interesting to ask oneself what has actually just been heard. Has the partner made a reproach or has the question been interpreted as a criticism? This distinction is not always easy to make, especially when tensions have been ongoing for a long time.

Taking responsibility and pausing

The specialist also invites each partner to acknowledge their own contribution to the conflict. Because not everything is a misinterpretation: some words are genuinely hurtful and deserve an apology. The goal is therefore not to systematically look for positive intent behind every remark, but to better distinguish what the other person is expressing from what is being attributed to them.

A practical tool for communication

He also suggests that partners choose an easy word to remember, to signal that they are beginning to interpret the other person's words negatively. When it appears in a conversation, each person takes a moment to question what is happening. This small pause can prevent an ordinary discussion from turning into an argument. It also allows recognizing an excessive reaction, clarifying an intention, or apologizing when necessary.