Love standards and hidden fears

Behind the long list of criteria people use when looking for love, there is not always a pure requirement. Sometimes, these standards hide old fears or insecurities. For some, the list of what they want in a partner is detailed and strict, which can make others think they are "too difficult" to be with.

The need for control

For those who set high standards in love, it may not just be about knowing what they want. It can also reflect a need for control or a fear of being hurt. Researchers have studied the origins of these high standards and often look at childhood experiences, though they do not always point to fate as the cause.

Childhood shaping love styles

According to attachment theory, the way parents respond to a child's needs can shape how they approach love as adults. A child who learns that affection is unpredictable or conditional may grow up being cautious or wary of relationships. This can lead to constant vigilance, many criteria, and a tendency to reject someone at the first sign of failure.

Research on attachment styles

Researchers R. Chris Fraley and Glenn Roisman have reviewed studies that follow children into adulthood. Their findings, published in Current Opinion in Psychology, confirm that adult attachment styles often develop from early relationships with parents. However, they note that the connection is modest and can vary depending on how it is measured. Early experiences influence, but they do not necessarily determine the future.

Perfectionism and parental pressure

Another possible source of high standards is perfectionism, which can stem from growing up with a very demanding or critical parent. In such cases, a person may come to believe they are only loved if they are perfect. This can lead to applying the same standards to others, expecting their partner to meet all their expectations.

Link between parental criticism and perfectionism

Psychologists have compiled data from many studies on students in America, Canada, and Britain. A meta-analysis published in 2022 in Psychological Bulletin found a link between parental expectations and perfectionism, including the tendency to set very high standards for others. However, the studies show correlation, not proof of cause and effect, leaving room to question whether these standards are truly self-determined.