Education needs limits

Jean-Charles Bettan, a psychanalyst, argues that while love is essential in parenting, it is not sufficient for proper education. Children also need to learn frustration, respect for others, and the boundaries of their own desires. He emphasizes that parental kindness can become a form of renunciation when adults avoid setting limits out of fear or ideological pressure.

Love without limits can be destructive

Bettan explains that love alone can become harmful when it refuses to impose necessary boundaries. Education is not just about love but about helping children recognize the existence of others and understand that the world does not always conform to their desires. This involves teaching them that their freedom must coexist with the freedom of others and that immediate pleasure should not be the only rule.

The consequences of educational resignation

The lack of limits manifests in various areas of life, including families, schools, and public spaces. Children struggle with waiting, contradiction, and the presence of others, while adults become exhausted from constantly negotiating and justifying. This dynamic leads to a situation where kindness is mistaken for cowardice, as it avoids necessary frustrations that are crucial for a child's development.

The importance of raising rather than merely accompanying

Bettan criticizes the trend of creating "child-free" spaces, suggesting the issue is not adults’ intolerance of children but their intolerance of how some children are raised—or rather, how they are no longer raised. The term "raising" implies a purposeful effort to elevate a child beyond immediate satisfaction, which modern parenting often neglects in favor of excessive accommodation.

Frustration as a necessary part of education

Frustration is not an accident in education but a fundamental part of a child’s development. Setting limits consistently, with a secure bond, helps children orient themselves in the world. Without these boundaries, the world becomes formless, with everything seeming possible but nothing truly holding or containing meaning.

The role of parental authority

Psychoanalysis has often been blamed for encouraging lax parenting, but Bettan argues this is a misunderstanding. Recognizing a child’s inner life does not mean giving in to every impulse. Instead, it requires serious limits that are consistent, not dependent on the adult’s mood or the child’s ability to manipulate. These limits are essential for a child’s growth and understanding of the world.

The challenge of setting limits

Parents often seek love from their children, which can blur generational roles. A child does not need to reassure an adult but requires the adult to accept being sometimes disliked. Setting limits requires adults to bear the anger they cause, as retreating from conflict teaches children that their anger controls the world, leading to eventual anxiety and instability.

The broader societal implications

The inability to educate children reflects a larger societal issue: the loss of a collective understanding of limits, transmission, and otherness. If a society cannot educate its children, it risks losing the ability to pass on meaningful values or a coherent vision of the future. This is illustrated in literature, such as American Pastoral by Philip Roth, which shows how the collapse of parental influence can lead to devastating consequences for future generations.