The loneliness of being the only one who cares

A small voice begins to form: "I must be the only one who cares about this friendship." This feeling of asymmetry affects many people and creates a vicious cycle. Indeed, the more one believes they are in demand, the less they dare to follow up. And the more the silence seems like a confirmation. However, psychology points out a blind spot: we misread what others think of us. What seems like a lack of interest from the other person could actually be a misunderstanding, one that we maintain without realizing it by not daring to follow up.

The liking gap in social interactions

In 2018, psychologist Erica Boothby (Cornell) and her colleagues published five studies in Psychological Science on what they call the "liking gap", the appreciation gap. After a conversation, participants systematically underestimated how much their interlocutor had appreciated them. The effect affects strangers brought together in a laboratory, roommates in a university residence, and participants in a personal development workshop, regardless of the duration of the exchange.

Persistent misjudgment in close relationships

This gap does not dissipate quickly: among roommates, it persisted for several months. Researchers attribute it to negative thoughts during the exchange. We ruminate on our awkwardness, while the other person remembers mainly the good moments and external observers notice the signs of sympathy. The study focuses on conversations, not long-term friendships, but the extrapolation is tempting: the one who hesitates to follow up out of fear of doing too much may be mistaken about the reception they will receive.

The impact of reaching out to a friend

Second insight, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology by Peggy Liu (Pittsburgh University) and her team. Through 13 experiments, more than 5,900 participants were questioned, some of whom had actually written to distant friends. Those who contacted someone without a specific reason judged their gesture as less appreciated than it actually was. The recipients, on the other hand, said they felt more touched than expected.

The value of initiating contact

The explanation lies in the surprise the person who receives the message savors the unexpected effect, while the one who sends it worries about the image they are giving. The more the contact surprises, the more it is appreciated. However, a caveat is necessary: these studies concern rather pleasant relationships, not a long-term one-sided relationship. If you have been initiating everything for years, it is better to speak openly with the person concerned. In doubt, a simple "I was thinking of you" has a good chance of being better received than you fear: your friend may also be waiting for someone to take the initiative.