Blended family dynamics

It is not uncommon for individuals in blended families to feel affection for their partner but not for their stepchildren. According to Valérie Chemoul, a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, it is possible to maintain a romantic relationship without feeling affection for one's partner's children. However, this situation can be emotionally challenging and requires finding ways to coexist with respect.

Step-parent role

Valérie Chemoul explains that becoming a step-parent involves finding a place within a family that already has its own history, references, and habits. This can be a delicate position, especially since children have not chosen this new family configuration. She notes that while the relationship can be warm and friendly, it can also remain more distant, which is not necessarily a problem.

Understanding relationship issues

Chemoul suggests that before considering children as the source of problems, individuals should reflect on what is actually causing issues in daily life. These could include the children's behavior, lack of rules at home, their role in the couple's dynamics, or the feeling that the partner gives them priority. She also points out that behind the apparent rejection of children might be a difficulty in finding one's place in the blended family, feelings of exclusion, or jealousy that may not be fully recognized.

Respect over affection

It is not necessary to love one's partner's children for the family to function. However, respect and politeness are essential. Chemoul emphasizes that not feeling a particular affection for stepchildren does not justify rejection, humiliation, or making them feel unwelcome. It is possible to have different interests, not seek close relationships, or need personal time while maintaining cordial relations.

Developing relationships over time

Over time, shared habits and trust can evolve relationships, but this should happen naturally without pressure. The impact of a lack of affection on children depends on their age and the role of the step-parent in their daily lives. For younger children, participation in meals, routines, and activities is often necessary, even without parental love. For adolescents or young adults, a more distant relationship can be acceptable if mutual respect for shared living rules is maintained.

Defining roles in the family

Finding one's place in a blended family can be challenging. The biological parent retains the educational responsibility, while the new partner must find their role without replacing the other parent or imposing authority too quickly. Chemoul advises defining roles and shared living rules together, including who sets the rules, who intervenes when limits are exceeded, the authority the step-parent can exercise, and which decisions are the parent's and which should be discussed together.

Maintaining couple time

To preserve couple time without making children feel excluded, it is important to communicate without causing conflict. Avoiding blame, such as criticizing the partner's children or their parenting, is recommended. Instead, focusing on specific situations and expressing needs without blaming the children can help. For example, saying "Our relationship is important to me. I would like us to spend more time together" instead of "Your children always come first."

Blended family success

Chemoul concludes that a blended family can be happy without everyone loving each other. The key is understanding the origins of difficulties and determining if each person can find their place in a respectful family framework. Loving one's partner does not mean becoming a substitute parent, and it is possible to set boundaries while respecting children. Sometimes, relationships develop over time, and happiness in a blended family depends on respect, dialogue, and each person's place within the family.