Shared custody in France

In France, 12% of children whose parents are separated live in a shared custody arrangement, which amounts to 480,000 children. Shared custody is often perceived as a system where the child spends an equal amount of time with each parent, though this is not always the case.

Definition of shared custody

According to Maude Lelièvre, a lawyer and author of Aimer, se séparer, avancer : les sentiers du divorce guidés par une avocate, shared custody means that the child lives with both parents in a balanced way, not necessarily in a 50-50 time split but in terms of organization. There is a regular rhythm that allows the child to have references. For example, the child can stay with the father from Monday to Wednesday and then with the mother for the rest of the week.

Legal context in France

Shared custody is often preferred but is not imposed by French law, unlike in Belgium, for example. In France, parents are invited to set up shared custody because it coincides with parental authority. The child is born with two parents and the idea is to allow the child to have equal access to both in terms of interaction and education.

Prerequisites for shared custody

Some prerequisites exist for this shared custody to be viable, starting with a reasonable distance between the place of residence of each parent and the child's school to maintain a certain balance. The assessment of this distance varies by region. In the provinces, it can be twenty minutes from the school, while in Paris it is more common to talk about districts.

Success and challenges of shared custody

The key to the success of shared custody is wanting to still be a team. Despite these prerequisites, some children may have difficulty living with this shared custody. Maude Lelièvre admits she has come back from this system, which she initially considered beneficial. The challenge of shared custody is that, despite past difficulties, one must still want to be a family with the other parent.

Impact of unresolved tensions

If the separation has led to settling scores, tensions, criticisms, resentments may remain. The end of a union or marriage does not mean that the bonds are broken. But one may refuse any contact with the ex, not respond to messages, ask the child not to tell what is happening at the other parent's home, no longer want to hear about it.

Challenges in daily life

Shared custody requires exchange and organization, which can be difficult in this context. The lifestyle habits can differ significantly between the two homes. At one parent's home, the child may go to bed at 10:30 PM when they must be in bed at 9 PM at the other. They may have a smartphone when the other refuses. Educational differences can create confusion for the child and disagreements between the parents.

Fragmented schedules and child well-being

Sometimes, shared custody is also set up according to a schedule that respects the parents' professional constraints but is very fragmented and tiring for the child. If we split this custody a lot, without educational mutualization, without communication, if there is no desire to be a family together, the children can be very agitated. This is another reason that can lead the child to have difficulty with this situation.

Child caught between parents

The child may find themselves caught between the two parents. They may hear negative things about their mother when they are with their father, and vice versa. These criticisms can affect them. The child may also unconsciously play a role in this. They may fall into the criticism of the other parent and thus obtain an opposite behavior from the parent who listens.

Loyalty conflict and child's development

The child becomes a manipulator without realizing it. The consequence is terrible because they may lose themselves in a double discourse. They do not necessarily lie but their statement is colored depending on the interlocutor. Their words no longer have value even for themselves because they feel sincere with each parent while sometimes holding completely opposite statements.

Building a positive environment

The child senses the tensions between their parents. If one does not accept the other, they feel it and may say what one wants to hear. The child may also find themselves in a loyalty conflict that is difficult to live. Separation, divorce: how to help the child better live shared custody? Once this assessment is made, each person can improve the situation by clarifying their position regarding their past love story and what they want to build.

Maintaining a positive climate

Maintaining a positive climate. To avoid falling into a negative shared custody, when possible, in the absence of toxic relationships, pathologies, the lawyer advises to "nourish the good." When the child says something negative about what they experienced or heard at the other parent's home, one can ask them to also share what was nice about that parent, in order to balance their statement and invite them to feel that their parent's ear is also attentive to this positive ground.

Establishing communication frameworks

Creating a communication framework. The lawyer believes there are two modes of communication in shared custody: pure information and collaborative, which is the ideal version. This is sometimes difficult to achieve if one of the two has not moved past the dispute of the divorce or separation. Lelièvre advises respecting a communication framework, similar to a traffic code, to communicate well with the other parent and limit accidents.

Listening to the child

One can take the time to note the message in the notes section of their phone before sending it. This allows one to read it calmly before sending it and to check, with a clear mind, whether the statement is constructive or still driven by reproaches. Reproach temporarily relieves but insidiously continues the relational destruction. Creating a communication framework. The lawyer believes there are two modes of communication in shared custody: pure information and collaborative, which is the ideal version.

Adjusting shared custody arrangements

The principle of shared custody can be modified at any time, especially if the child seems to be having difficulty with it. However, sometimes it is not this system that is the cause of their discomfort, but rather a lack of educational mutualization, a concern about communication. Hence the interest in carefully analyzing the situation. Recourse to family mediation. One of the ways to get clarity is to go through family mediation. This does not arbitrate the disagreement but helps to develop a solution. The rhythm of shared custody can also be revised according to the evolution of the situation.