Children's silence is not always distrust

When children respond with a simple "well" or shrug when asked about their day, it does not necessarily mean they have lost trust in their parents. Instead, it may reflect how the questions are being asked. Parents may misinterpret the child's silence as a sign of emotional distance, but it could simply be a reaction to the way the questions are framed.

Children lead the conversation

A Swedish study involving 1,186 14-year-olds and their parents found that children decide what to share, not parents. Researchers compared what children naturally confided with what parents learned through monitoring or questioning. The results showed that children who shared more with their parents were those who felt comfortable doing so on their own, rather than being asked directly.

Controlled questions may backfire

The study also found that when children felt they were being controlled, they were less likely to open up. This was linked to worse emotional adjustment in the children. However, the study was correlational and did not measure the tone of the questions. It suggests that how parents ask questions matters, but it does not prove that asking "how was your day?" directly causes silence.

Effective questioning techniques

Research by Deirdre Brown and Michael Lamb on 128 children aged 5 to 7 found that open-ended invitations, such as "Tell me," led to more detailed and accurate responses than direct questions. Closed yes/no questions, however, often resulted in errors. This suggests that parents should avoid yes/no questions and instead ask for stories or details.

Practical tips for parents

Experts recommend replacing direct questions like "Did it go well?" with open-ended prompts such as "Tell me about a moment from your day." Listening actively and using the child's words to ask follow-up questions can encourage them to share more. It is also helpful to start with smaller, less serious topics and be patient with silences. Sharing something personal from the parent's day can also create a more relaxed environment for the child to open up.